Im eating baby food now.
Line After Line After Line
I keep snorting lines of my Focalin XR.
I need to finish my theory homework. My professor has now given me two extensions. If I don’t have it done by tomorrow at 9:30am, I fail. It is literally a matter of writing a paragraph. No excuse.
D just texted me that I’m cute. Hah.
I hate this medicine because of how bad it makes my anxiety, but it controls my appetite so well that I don’t want to admit that it isn’t right for me, because now we will move to a non-stimulant medicine.
My heart is fucking pounding out of my chest. Holy shit.
I would get hooked on coke so fast…Haha. I need a dealer.
No. That’s a bad idea. I AM TRYING TO GET MY LIFE TOGETHER, NOT FUCK IT UP MORE.
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Does anyone even read what I write here anymore?
I want school to end. End. End..adlkgkaejigijoarfijojioewfijoaejiogaer
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I have to get my shit together.
Like, now.
Also, Susan is still AWOL. She stood me up last week and I haven’t heard from her since.
I’m a fuck up.
And my professor called me out on it. She called me out on my eating disorder, too.
I just want to be okay. I just want to be what everyone wants me to be. But I can’t. I can’t do this facade anymore.
I am sick- I am. I have an eating disorder and it is destroying my life. I have got to stop this. Please, make it stop.
Fat fat fat fat
I bought 20 bikram classes. I will start after show week is over. I’m so tired of this fucking musical. People are so fake. I literally trust no one.
If I wasn’t so full of contempt for myself, I would be a goddess.
I want to be what you want.
Never have I been so sad or felt so alone.
This is no good.
I ate a whole pt of ice cream last night. My stomach hates me and I have to wear my corset tonight for dress rehearsal. I’m going to be so fat.
D hates me. I know it. He will never fully let me in. I promise.
So fat. So high. So nauseous. So anxious. So fucked up.
I need to commit to things. That is my #1 problem.
Update.
D and I hang out pretty much every day. A few nights ago, he said
“What do you think about us?”
“What do you mean?”
“Like, if we were together.”
“I mean, I think it’s pretty obvious I like you. What do you think?”
“Well, I thought about it today. I mean really thought about it. I like you more than any person I’ve ever met. I don’t know yet…but I want you to know that I’m thinking about it.”
So we spend the night with each other every night. He cuddles me so great, tells me how beautiful I am all the time, and is just sweet.
I am not losing weight. Just kind of staying this same thinness. I’d like to lose more but I can’t seem to beat this plateau.
My body hurts a lot, though. And my hair is kind of falling out. Haha.
I skipped my appointment with susan yesterday.
I don’t give a fuck. I don’t want to give my eating disorder up.
I think I’ll just stop going all together.
